


My Almost Lover

by rmm55



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-05
Updated: 2014-03-05
Packaged: 2018-01-14 16:59:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1274155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rmm55/pseuds/rmm55
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lovino and Antonio are meant to be, right?</p><p>...Maybe not.</p><p>Then again, don't they always get a happy ending?</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Almost Lover

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Suicide attempt(s). Do not read if bothered by this.
> 
>  
> 
> This story was inspired by the song "My Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy

Gentle fingers brush across his pink cheeks. Lovino smiles, yawning lazily as he stretches. Antonio’s eyes are soft with affection, and Lovino wishes he could gaze into them forever. It’s hard to remember all of the trouble, all of the reasons why they shouldn’t be together, while he’s in Antonio’s arms.

“You look tired,” Antonio murmurs. His voice is light, playful, and marked with a lingering Spanish accent that sends shivers down Lovino’s spine.

“I didn’t sleep,” Lovino confesses. “I was up late working on a paper.”

They are both in their first year of college. They are both hardworking students, living at home and attending community college because it is cheaper than a big university. They have three classes together, and they always eat lunch at the same little corner table in the café. Antonio is convinced that their meeting was fate, but Lovino isn’t so sure. He’s damn happy that it happened, though. It has only been six months, but Lovino is sure that his world will never be the same.

“Do you want to take a siesta?” Antonio asks. The concern in his voice is evident, and Lovino’s heart flutters wildly.

“No, no,” he insists. “I’d rather spend time with you!”

Antonio smiles, and it’s like sunlight and happiness. “I love you, Lovi!”

Lovino’s cheeks grow warm and he tries to keep the smile off his face. “I love you, too, you stupid bastard.”

 

 

Their fingers are intertwined and Antonio’s head is on Lovino’s chest. Lovino’s fingers absently comb through his silky hair as they gaze up at the blanket of stars that twinkle enchantingly in the darkened sky.

“It’s so beautiful out here,” Antonio whispers in awe.

“Yes, you are.” Lovino places a gentle kiss on the Spaniard’s forehead. Antonio giggles and cuddles against him, gazing up at Lovino with adoring eyes.

“You’re so cute!” he squeals. He pinches Lovino’s cheeks, still giggling.

“H-Hey!” Lovino grumbles and smacks his hand away. “Keep your hands to yourself. Bastard.”

Antonio just smiles and moves closer. Lovino wraps his arms around the love of his life and they close their eyes. Crickets chirp all around them, a chorus of music that fills the silence.

“I wish we could stay like this forever.” There is a tremor in Antonio’s voice. “I don’t want to go home. Can I stay at your house tonight?”

Lovino hesitates. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

Antonio looks at him pleadingly. “Please, Lovi?”

Lovino groans. “I can’t say no to you,” he mumbles. Come on, let’s start heading back. I actually need to sleep tonight, so you can’t be loud.”

Antonio yawns and clutches at Lovino’s hand. “That’s okay! I’m sleepy anyways, so I’ll just come to bed with you!”

Smiling, Lovino ruffles his hair. “That sounds good.”

 

 

Antonio slides soundlessly to the ground and closes his window. The house is silent except for the rapid beat of his heart. Has he been caught? Does his dad know where he spent the night?

Trembling, he slips into the hall and tries to open the bathroom door. A creak rips through the silence and he flinches, looking around wildly.

“Where the hell have you been?”

 _Damn_. He’s caught. He turns and tries to smile at his father.

“Oh, uh, hi, Dad,” he says, tugging on a strand of hair. “I was just out with, uh, Bella.”

“No, you weren’t. Bella came here looking for you.”

 _Shit_. “Look, Dad, I was just –”

“Shut up.”

Antonio flinches and lowers his head. “I’m sorry.”

“You were out with the Vargas boy, weren’t you?”

“Yes.” There’s no point in denying it any longer.

He expects his father to be angry. He knows how his father feels about gays. What he does not expect is the anguish, the crushing disappointment, the look of complete and utter failure in his father’s eyes. It surprises him. It unnerves him. But more than anything, it makes him want to cry. What kind of a son is he, making his father feel ashamed of him? If he can’t make his father proud, then what use is he?

“Dad,” Antonio chokes out. “It’s nothing. I promise. I’m not seeing him, and I’m not gay. Bella came over because I asked her to. I wanted to ask her out. Is that okay?”

His father smiles, but it’s clear that he doesn’t believe Antonio. “Sure, son,” he says. Then he turns. There is defeat in the set of his shoulders as he walks away.

Antonio vows to never cause his father pain again.

 

 

_Lovino,_

_I’m so sorry. I love you; you know I do. I have to do what’s right, though. I can’t be a disappointment anymore. You know how my dad feels about gays. I have to prove to him that I’m not, which means we can’t see each other anymore. I’ll always love you, but I can’t be with you. I promised you forever, but I just can’t go through with it. So please keep my heart safe, because it will always be yours._

_-Antonio_

Lovino crumples the note in his fist. Every word burns through his being, filling him with a sickening urge to hit something. Antonio is gone. Antonio is never coming back. He will never get to hold him or run his fingers through his hair ever again.

He falls to the ground and buries his face in his hands as the first wave of anguish comes.

 

 

It is three years later and Lovino is drunk with pain and desperation. For the past two years he has watched Antonio from afar, never interfering but always observing. Just this past week, the two of them graduated from their community college. Lovino watched with tears burning in his eyes as Antonio crossed the stage to the cheers of his father and his two-year girlfriend, Bella. At the after party, he watched his joyful proposal and her joyful acceptance.

He is happy for them. She is a sweet girl, and Lovino knows that Bella will be good to Antonio.

He can’t be happy, though. That could have, _should have_ , been him. In another lifetime, maybe it will be. He can’t wait that long, though.

The razor shakes in his hand as he brings it down again and again. Blood drips from his arm to the floor, where it pools around his feet. As he starts to sway, he begins to wonder what death would be like. Would it be peaceful and happy? Or would it be just an empty void, a nonexistence that he would never feel?

His eyes begin to close as the first shout for help grates against his ears. He stumbles backwards and slips in the blood. The last thing he sees is the bright fluorescent that twinkles like the stars from a long lost dream.

 

 

Lovino is twenty-nine and alone. The small apartment is plain and boring. The photos on the table are turned down. He doesn’t need to look at them anymore. He pictures them in his mind; the way Antonio’s smile lit up a room and made his days sunny and warm.

That is over. His days are endless and his nights are cold. He sleeps alone, where he used to sleep in the comforting arms of the only man he has ever loved.

There are nights when the pain is almost too much to bear. On those nights, he’ll sit by the window and watch the couples walk along the streets, hand in hand. He craves that with every inch of his heart, but he knows he will never be able to have that. How could any person compare to the radiantly beautiful Spaniard he once called his own?

The scars on his wrist are nothing but a faded memory. He traces them absently as he sits on the window ledge. Surely the fall would kill him. Surely he would be reduced to nothing but a memory, a ungainly stain on the face of time. It’s not like his life had _meaning_ , anyways. That was taken from him ten years ago.

Lovino leans forward and stares at the ground. The concrete is a long ways away. He takes a deep breath and slides himself forward.

There is a rush of air.

There is nothing.

Endless nights bleed together, measured only by the relentless beeping of life support machines. _Let me die_ , he wants to tell them. _End this misery_ , he tries to say.

But the words refuse to come.

 

 

He is about to turn forty. He is still alone and growing bitter. He has gone through years of counseling and physical therapy. There is still a slight limp to his walk, a slight tremor to his hand.

They say he was lucky. That he should thank God for being giving a second chance to live.

Bah. What has God ever done for him? What has life ever done for him? He is tired of living, of waking up every morning feeling cold and alone and broken.

This time he’ll make sure it ends.

He stands in the center of the street, looking for a speeding car and ignoring the protesting honks. They keep whizzing by, sometimes too fast for him to act. Others are too slow, and if they’re too slow, he’ll live. He doesn’t want that.

Down the street, a man walks hand in hand with his wife. They are beautiful together; blonde and brunette and shining in the sunlight. As he watches, the man bends down to kiss the woman’s cheek. When he looks up, Lovino can see green eyes and a hint of sadness.

 _No_.

He turns away. Hadn’t he put that behind him?

Yet his feet move automatically, carrying him back to the safety of the sidewalk. He lets his fingertips drag along the rough concrete of the building, wincing in satisfaction as he scrapes the top layer of skin off. It is not nearly enough pain, but it will have to be.

He has the strangest urge to live.

 

 

Lovino is ninety-three. He has lived a long, wearisome life, and he is ready for it to end. He can sense that it is finally – _finally_ – his time. His chest wheezes as it tries to pull oxygen in and push it back out. The same process, over and over, for seventy four years. He is tired, so tired, of living in a world without the only person he has ever loved.

Antonio had died years ago. He had gone to the grave after everyone left and placed a single rose across the tombstone. He had cried and begged Antonio to come back to him.

 _We were supposed to grow old together!_ he had shouted. _We were supposed to have forever_.

His chest wheezes one last time. In, out. Then nothing.

Blissful, sweet, nothing.

 

 

_Blinding sunlight slowly fades to a comforting glow. A chorus of birds and squirrels fill the air. Lovino raises his hand to shield his eyes. It is unblemished and unwrinkled, like the hand of a teenager. He lowers it, stares at it. What happened?_

_“Lovi!”_

_There is Antonio – but how can it be him? He left._

_“Antonio?” Lovino croaks. The name is rusty and disused, but it fills Lovino with the same hope and love that it used to._

_“I’m here, mi corazon,” Antonio whispers._ _There is a bouquet of red roses in his hand. He smiles sheepishly. “I’m sorry you had to wait so long for me, but I’m here now.”_

_“You…you left…”_

_Antonio flinches. “I know. I’m sorry. I had to do what was right, though.”_

_“You left me alone.” Lovino’s voice grows stronger as a terrible rage begins to swell. How could he have wasted his life waiting for a man that didn’t love him? He feels sick, sick to the very core of his being. He tries to turn away, but a hand wraps around his wrist._

_“Please, Lovi,” Antonio pleads. There is a desperate pleading in his eyes. “Please, just…let me hold you. I’ve missed you so much.”_

_Lovino cries out as he is swept into Antonio’s arms. The roses lie forgotten on the ground as the tremors that have plagued him since his twenties finally slow to a stop._

_“I love you,” Antonio murmurs._

_Lovino begins to cry._

_“No, no, don’t cry! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” Antonio moves to pull away, to give Lovino space, but Lovino desperately clutches him closer._

_“You stupid bastard,” Lovino hisses. “Don’t let go of me!”_

_A smile spreads slowly across Antonio’s face. He wraps his arms around Lovino and cradles him against his chest as Lovino cries out the knot of anger and loneliness that has too long bound his heart_.


End file.
